Hey everyone.
Another day, another 11 hour shift at work. This is the fourth one in the last three weeks. How long am I going to put up with this crap?
Ehhh. Anyway. I'm kind of at a point in my life where I feel like I'm throwing away any bit of time I waste being unhappy, but at the same time I'm unable to really force myself to take the risk of interviewing elsewhere or buying a house or even moving out... My problem is I don't know when to stop waiting for the next thing and finally act without fear of repercussions. It's one of the curses of being into technology but also very conscious of purchasing... You don't want to buy something 'cause you know in three months it'll already be outdated.
It's kind of the same thing. I don't know if I want to get another job if I'm not sure my situation will improve.
A little background: I am not one of those kids who was a nerd all through school and always knew he wanted to deal with computers for his career. I didn't even know what the heck I was gonna do until my senior year in high school, and even then I wasn't sure. When I went to the University of Cincinnati, I swore everyday to myself that that was the right choice and it was where I wanted to be... But sometimes, on particularly frustrating days, those nagging thoughts would sneak in...
Do I really want to do this?
Am I just convincing myself that I do so I don't have to start over?
Am I wasting my time? Did I waste all this time?
Those thoughts were always there in the back of my mind, and now they're coming back full force. Have I completely stunted my life by following a path I never truly wanted, never straying for fear of realizing all this time has been a complete lie?
What if I'm just afraid of being smart? I've secretly always loathed myself for being intelligent. I hated being different. I hated the way my classmates saw me... I hated the way I was treated by my family, my friends, everyone. I just wanted to be normal. And the worst part is, I've only disclosed this one time, and the person I told thought I was being selfish and pathetic for having such TERRIBLE PROBLEMS like being smart.
What if I'm just afraid of improvement in general? I gained a few pounds in college that I'd like to lose, but I never do anything about it. I know I should get certified and things like that but it feels like I never have time, and ditto with the MBA I promised myself and others that I would get.
Or maybe I'm afraid of failure. What if I try these things and can't succeed? What if I give it my best but still come up short? I do not take failure lightly.
Fuck. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
This sounds an awful lot like a quarter-life crisis.
ReplyDeleteAnd by the way, I felt the same way just after I graduated. You should remember... I whined to you about it.
ReplyDeleteWell I am sorry that you feel bad at the moment. I can identify with some of what you're talking about (gaining more than a few pounds in college O_o). I was into computers when I was little because my dad worked for IBM. Then in high school I kind of fell out of it (I was too busy thinking I was cool for being in a band :-/) In college, I started to want to do psychology, but then realized computers were really for me. I had been doing IT/development stuff for a local company here, and that really got me back in to it. For me, this work experience and the satisfaction it gave me to 'solve problems' is what hooked me. When I left college, I feel I got really lucky to work in a really great group. We work on interesting problems (at least to me), and I am always challenged. Unfortunately, everyone got laid off about 6 months ago...so it sucks now, but the first three years were awesome. So I know that this is exactly what I want to do forever-- I just have to find that right group again. It sounds like you don't like what you do, but is it technology stuff in general or just the particular job/team/product/industry you are in right now? I too was set on the MBA at one point, until I actually got into the dev world and that's why I am still working on my MS Comp Sci instead of MBA.
ReplyDeleteBut the feelings of being stagnant and uninspired- I know what you mean, and I don't have any great advice. I'm trying to muster up the courage to accept some change in my life and try and move out of the shitty city I am living in...but I am afraid of making a decision that I can't reverse. I'm afraid of failing (as you mentioned).
I know this didn't offer any help, but good luck, and I hope whatever you do you are happier!
Steve
Most college grads end up in a slump when they get out of school and start life in the real world. Having a humdrum life isn't all what it's cracked up to be. I know you want to play it safe but sometimes you have to leap of that edge and trust your safety line. There will be times when you fail, and yes it hurts. Trust me, I know. When I didn't pass my nursing boards, I thought my world had ended. But I picked myself back up, and life went on. I know I'll pass but it's just going to take another try. Every failure you have makes you a better person. Learn from it.
ReplyDeleteAll I can offer is look at your life, and ask where you want to be. Then once you have that image, go for it. Only you know what will make you happy. Not your parents, friends or coworkers. Do what you want for you and no one else. And don't be ashamed of your intelligence. It's just another talent of yours which will come to your advantage someday.
That's my advice to you. Hope it helps, and I hope you find what you want.