SUP
I was on vacation for a while so I didn't blog. I could have but I didn't have anything to blog about.
And I still don't have anything to blog about so bye! :D
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Drink deeply the illusion of your safety.
My, how wishful thoughts inebriate.
Hey.
This may come as a surprise to you, but I'm Not All That Content right now. Which, I'm like, okay, that's fine, right? I mean most people aren't. Right?
The problem is, that thought is WAYYYY more depressing than whatever first world problem I'm having at the moment (I'm out of shaving cream SURELY IT IS THE END TIMES). So that bit of comfort just spirals into even worse feelings of self-loathing. And it's the kind of self-hatred that, I think, stems from being a species that is filled with lunatics, scumbags, and other wonderful types that seem infinitely adverse to being a positive force. I think.
But really, it has come to that point. Small things are starting to set me off. Someone makes a remark about how I look good with a little stubble on my face and I am filled quite immediately with intense, burning resentment. No matter how convinced I am that it was a legitimate, honest compliment, it was probably a passive-aggressive jab, what you don't think I'm capable of hygiene, well fuck you, you fake blonde bitch, go get another spray tan, your orange is fading.
I even got a really really really good review at work but I can't help but have this nagging feeling that it's nothing but ageist condescension coming from someone over 30 years my senior.
And the worst part is, it's not like I don't know that I'm the problem! GI Joe told my brother that knowing is half the battle and then my brother told me that but you know what? The other half of the battle is kicking my ass.
AGH Why am I such a whiner?!
Hey.
This may come as a surprise to you, but I'm Not All That Content right now. Which, I'm like, okay, that's fine, right? I mean most people aren't. Right?
The problem is, that thought is WAYYYY more depressing than whatever first world problem I'm having at the moment (I'm out of shaving cream SURELY IT IS THE END TIMES). So that bit of comfort just spirals into even worse feelings of self-loathing. And it's the kind of self-hatred that, I think, stems from being a species that is filled with lunatics, scumbags, and other wonderful types that seem infinitely adverse to being a positive force. I think.
But really, it has come to that point. Small things are starting to set me off. Someone makes a remark about how I look good with a little stubble on my face and I am filled quite immediately with intense, burning resentment. No matter how convinced I am that it was a legitimate, honest compliment, it was probably a passive-aggressive jab, what you don't think I'm capable of hygiene, well fuck you, you fake blonde bitch, go get another spray tan, your orange is fading.
I even got a really really really good review at work but I can't help but have this nagging feeling that it's nothing but ageist condescension coming from someone over 30 years my senior.
And the worst part is, it's not like I don't know that I'm the problem! GI Joe told my brother that knowing is half the battle and then my brother told me that but you know what? The other half of the battle is kicking my ass.
AGH Why am I such a whiner?!
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Self-Image
I think I have some sort of weird thing where I don't necessarily have a bad self-image, just an inconsistent one. And it kind of all gets rounded up into my shitty self-esteem, and it ends up being the reason why it comes and goes in waves.
I'm watching Bad Religion's live DVD right now and I'm watching the interviews in between the songs... And I find myself nodding and smiling and feeling connections to what they're saying.
Then I realize, what the fuck dude? You don't relate to this! You grew up and had friends and you weren't an outcast, as much as you wanted to be. Some sort of glamor and self-satisfaction with overcoming something that I never actually had to overcome.
I want to create some sort of me-against-the-world scenario that I've lived through and conquered because then it maybe makes me feel better about myself. Then I realize -- hey, none of that is real. You aren't shit and you haven't done shit. Just live your normal fucking boring life and stop making shit up to make it more exciting you worthless asshole.
So I don't know, it's maybe good that I'm figuring this out but it doesn't seem like there's much of a solution. Sometimes I think I'm lucky to be sane enough to realize that ending it doesn't mean I get to start over.
I'm watching Bad Religion's live DVD right now and I'm watching the interviews in between the songs... And I find myself nodding and smiling and feeling connections to what they're saying.
Then I realize, what the fuck dude? You don't relate to this! You grew up and had friends and you weren't an outcast, as much as you wanted to be. Some sort of glamor and self-satisfaction with overcoming something that I never actually had to overcome.
I want to create some sort of me-against-the-world scenario that I've lived through and conquered because then it maybe makes me feel better about myself. Then I realize -- hey, none of that is real. You aren't shit and you haven't done shit. Just live your normal fucking boring life and stop making shit up to make it more exciting you worthless asshole.
So I don't know, it's maybe good that I'm figuring this out but it doesn't seem like there's much of a solution. Sometimes I think I'm lucky to be sane enough to realize that ending it doesn't mean I get to start over.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Shaving Is A Hassle
I'd rather not shave. I was thinking of doing a thing for No-Shave November, but I was like 'nah' instead.
So yeah. I'm running into that old problem I keep running into -- I'm out of things to blog about. I don't want to make post after post about how I'm a pathetic loser, but it's kind of telling that that's the only thing I can think to blog about!
Maybe I should be more open. Maybe I should make this a more public blog. But I can't stomach the thought of sharing weakness with people I know in real life.
I have something wrong with me.
Ugh. Whatever, just keeping the blogmentum up.
So yeah. I'm running into that old problem I keep running into -- I'm out of things to blog about. I don't want to make post after post about how I'm a pathetic loser, but it's kind of telling that that's the only thing I can think to blog about!
Maybe I should be more open. Maybe I should make this a more public blog. But I can't stomach the thought of sharing weakness with people I know in real life.
I have something wrong with me.
Ugh. Whatever, just keeping the blogmentum up.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Live Music
Live music is good.
Decided I'd better not spend another night by myself in my house and I couldn't get anyone to come with me, so I just drove an hour to see a band I like. I went by myself and it was a tiny show, I think only 15 people were in teh building, including band members, at any given time. But the venue was cool, the bands that I saw were really good, and I walked out of there feeling like my music hobby could get some traction.
Countdown to me fucking this up begins... RIGHTNOW
Decided I'd better not spend another night by myself in my house and I couldn't get anyone to come with me, so I just drove an hour to see a band I like. I went by myself and it was a tiny show, I think only 15 people were in teh building, including band members, at any given time. But the venue was cool, the bands that I saw were really good, and I walked out of there feeling like my music hobby could get some traction.
Countdown to me fucking this up begins... RIGHTNOW
Friday, November 11, 2011
*tap. tap. echo.*
hey.
Not feeling so great. Gonna give this another try.
Lately I feel less like a human and more like a burden, or a tumor, waiting to be discarded or extracted. I don't believe in myself, I don't believe that anyone believes in me, or trusts me, or, outside of family, thinks of me as more than an expendable distraction.
My life is boring and I'm content and I've given up. I fucked up my one shot at living, and it's too late to take it back. So now what?
Football is what. Football and loud fucking music and fifths of bourbon whiskey and trying to forget how much I can't fucking stand myself. Or at least distract myself with other things so I don't have to think about it too much.
so yeah i'm blogging again. got a new job. it's okay.
Not feeling so great. Gonna give this another try.
Lately I feel less like a human and more like a burden, or a tumor, waiting to be discarded or extracted. I don't believe in myself, I don't believe that anyone believes in me, or trusts me, or, outside of family, thinks of me as more than an expendable distraction.
My life is boring and I'm content and I've given up. I fucked up my one shot at living, and it's too late to take it back. So now what?
Football is what. Football and loud fucking music and fifths of bourbon whiskey and trying to forget how much I can't fucking stand myself. Or at least distract myself with other things so I don't have to think about it too much.
so yeah i'm blogging again. got a new job. it's okay.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
