Self-Image

I think I have some sort of weird thing where I don't necessarily have a bad self-image, just an inconsistent one. And it kind of all gets rounded up into my shitty self-esteem, and it ends up being the reason why it comes and goes in waves.

I'm watching Bad Religion's live DVD right now and I'm watching the interviews in between the songs... And I find myself nodding and smiling and feeling connections to what they're saying.

Then I realize, what the fuck dude? You don't relate to this! You grew up and had friends and you weren't an outcast, as much as you wanted to be. Some sort of glamor and self-satisfaction with overcoming something that I never actually had to overcome.

I want to create some sort of me-against-the-world scenario that I've lived through and conquered because then it maybe makes me feel better about myself. Then I realize -- hey, none of that is real. You aren't shit and you haven't done shit. Just live your normal fucking boring life and stop making shit up to make it more exciting you worthless asshole.

So I don't know, it's maybe good that I'm figuring this out but it doesn't seem like there's much of a solution. Sometimes I think I'm lucky to be sane enough to realize that ending it doesn't mean I get to start over.