ugh

as clarification, i just have a quite often-recurring feeling of wanting my life to be so drastically different in ways that are within my control but i'm too scared to take action, and i think that's a huge part of why i hate myself.

So hey! I'm a few weeks into the 25th year of my life and the panic has subsided, for the most part.

Been reading lately that all these anti-depressants the world has bought into don't actually work -- that is, you don't feel that you're depressed, but you're still depressed. So I'm kinda glad I didn't cave and go get pills, heh! Stubbornness for the win. The downside is: well there's one more thing that won't fucking work.

I don't talk about depression from that standpoint all that much. In fact, I don't talk about being depressed that much in general to people I actually know in real life! I did recently, though. I told someone, and you know, we had a long talk and that was cool. The fear of being judged has been allayed slightly, but to say I feel better having told someone would be to lie. I feel the same, except now one more person knows this embarrassing thing about me.

I don't know. Since the big quarter century hit, I've been feeling more and more unstable, like little things start pissing me off more, and I have to struggle to keep the irritation at bay. The "nothing's wrong" act is something I talked to my friend about when we were having that chat, and my friend said basically I should stop it altogether. But why? If I actually acted how I feel on a daily basis, no one would want to be around me.

No one wants to be around a guy who absolutely loathes himself.

So yeah, I just keep going. I don't know if my brain is broken or if it's all situational/lifestyle stuff or what, but being this way is really starting to take its toll. I find if I keep busy, then I'm good. But you can't stay busy forever. It's just not possible. So yeah, I'll shut up now.