Tuesday, May 22, 2012
ugh
as clarification, i just have a quite often-recurring feeling of wanting my life to be so drastically different in ways that are within my control but i'm too scared to take action, and i think that's a huge part of why i hate myself.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
So hey!
I'm a few weeks into the 25th year of my life and the panic has subsided, for the most part.
Been reading lately that all these anti-depressants the world has bought into don't actually work -- that is, you don't feel that you're depressed, but you're still depressed. So I'm kinda glad I didn't cave and go get pills, heh! Stubbornness for the win. The downside is: well there's one more thing that won't fucking work.
I don't talk about depression from that standpoint all that much. In fact, I don't talk about being depressed that much in general to people I actually know in real life! I did recently, though. I told someone, and you know, we had a long talk and that was cool. The fear of being judged has been allayed slightly, but to say I feel better having told someone would be to lie. I feel the same, except now one more person knows this embarrassing thing about me.
I don't know. Since the big quarter century hit, I've been feeling more and more unstable, like little things start pissing me off more, and I have to struggle to keep the irritation at bay. The "nothing's wrong" act is something I talked to my friend about when we were having that chat, and my friend said basically I should stop it altogether. But why? If I actually acted how I feel on a daily basis, no one would want to be around me.
No one wants to be around a guy who absolutely loathes himself.
So yeah, I just keep going. I don't know if my brain is broken or if it's all situational/lifestyle stuff or what, but being this way is really starting to take its toll. I find if I keep busy, then I'm good. But you can't stay busy forever. It's just not possible. So yeah, I'll shut up now.
Been reading lately that all these anti-depressants the world has bought into don't actually work -- that is, you don't feel that you're depressed, but you're still depressed. So I'm kinda glad I didn't cave and go get pills, heh! Stubbornness for the win. The downside is: well there's one more thing that won't fucking work.
I don't talk about depression from that standpoint all that much. In fact, I don't talk about being depressed that much in general to people I actually know in real life! I did recently, though. I told someone, and you know, we had a long talk and that was cool. The fear of being judged has been allayed slightly, but to say I feel better having told someone would be to lie. I feel the same, except now one more person knows this embarrassing thing about me.
I don't know. Since the big quarter century hit, I've been feeling more and more unstable, like little things start pissing me off more, and I have to struggle to keep the irritation at bay. The "nothing's wrong" act is something I talked to my friend about when we were having that chat, and my friend said basically I should stop it altogether. But why? If I actually acted how I feel on a daily basis, no one would want to be around me.
No one wants to be around a guy who absolutely loathes himself.
So yeah, I just keep going. I don't know if my brain is broken or if it's all situational/lifestyle stuff or what, but being this way is really starting to take its toll. I find if I keep busy, then I'm good. But you can't stay busy forever. It's just not possible. So yeah, I'll shut up now.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
I'm 25!
FUCK.
FUCK FUCK! FUCK. FUCK.
I don't want to be 25. I didn't even want to be 24! Why does aging have to happen? This is my first birthday where I've been kinda... Bummed. Every other one has been pretty great, but... I feel empty again. I feel like at 25 there should be a lot more to me than the way I am.
So in order to stave off depression I'm sticking with the tried and true method of keeping myself incredibly busy and not giving myself time to think about anything like that. #irony
ugh. just, dammit.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
2x Marchblog
Second blog for the month of March! Nonsequitur time.
So it's been 22 days since my last entry and well. Not much has changed.
Saw my follower count. Unsure why I do this!
My brother's out in the middle of the ocean on a destroyer. His wife and daughters are at home. Apparently there's one more on the way.
I've got a Mega Millions Ticket that is just SCREAMING jackpot.
I think a career in music would be nice. I mean as a musician.
Beef jerky is really hit or miss. Some brands are awesome, others are awful. This might be one of the few times I should just find something I like and stick with it.
I'm thinking again of how I can blog about music while still keeping this as anonymous as possible. That's kind of the problem. How are you supposed to talk about the things about which you are passionate without giving yourself up? RRGH.
I wonder if there's some sort of psychological analysis for the fact that I don't have any pencils in my entire house; just pens.
So it's been 22 days since my last entry and well. Not much has changed.
Saw my follower count. Unsure why I do this!
My brother's out in the middle of the ocean on a destroyer. His wife and daughters are at home. Apparently there's one more on the way.
I've got a Mega Millions Ticket that is just SCREAMING jackpot.
I think a career in music would be nice. I mean as a musician.
Beef jerky is really hit or miss. Some brands are awesome, others are awful. This might be one of the few times I should just find something I like and stick with it.
I'm thinking again of how I can blog about music while still keeping this as anonymous as possible. That's kind of the problem. How are you supposed to talk about the things about which you are passionate without giving yourself up? RRGH.
I wonder if there's some sort of psychological analysis for the fact that I don't have any pencils in my entire house; just pens.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Weiiiird.
I don't feel the need to blog so much anymore 'cause I'm kinda happy with how my life's going. Isn't that something.
My job is okay. I was on a scrum team (Scrum.org!!!) for a while but I got replaced (I'm a contractor, they wanted a full timer on the team so, like, when my contract is up the knowledge doesn't just up and leave). So now I'm at the same company, just... Off in Waterfall world. I am reminded of a TLC song. Maybe I should make a stupid fucking parody video and give it to my company to use for marketing.
Doooon't gooooo uuuuusin' waterfall/Cause if you do you're gonna get stuck in an endless swamp of documentation that no one's ever going to read and bogged down in irrelevant processes that were come up with in the days of FORTRAN programming
maybe need to work on that second line
Y'know. I'm 25, almost. I have a strong feeling that my 25th birthday is going to bring about a steady stream of crisis and self-analysis. So, yeah. Blogging ahoy.
Spoiler alert: it's probably gonna get back to being depressing
Oh hey remember when I wanted to make this blog about music?
My job is okay. I was on a scrum team (Scrum.org!!!) for a while but I got replaced (I'm a contractor, they wanted a full timer on the team so, like, when my contract is up the knowledge doesn't just up and leave). So now I'm at the same company, just... Off in Waterfall world. I am reminded of a TLC song. Maybe I should make a stupid fucking parody video and give it to my company to use for marketing.
Doooon't gooooo uuuuusin' waterfall/Cause if you do you're gonna get stuck in an endless swamp of documentation that no one's ever going to read and bogged down in irrelevant processes that were come up with in the days of FORTRAN programming
maybe need to work on that second line
Y'know. I'm 25, almost. I have a strong feeling that my 25th birthday is going to bring about a steady stream of crisis and self-analysis. So, yeah. Blogging ahoy.
Spoiler alert: it's probably gonna get back to being depressing
Oh hey remember when I wanted to make this blog about music?
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